So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize
