You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
