You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
