i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
being pregnant is like rehab
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
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