I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
