I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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