I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
