It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
