after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
