I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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