She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
