Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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