I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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