Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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