I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
