They should really pass out barf bags in church
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
