dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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