Swine flu. Run for my life!
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
