When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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