Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
