Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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