don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
where does the pee come out of this thing
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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