So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
