I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
