I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
