happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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