Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
