you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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