I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
