maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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