Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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