so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
