Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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