there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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