So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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