The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
