Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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