The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
