so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
