Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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