everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
