Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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