Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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