Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
