I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
