Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I FOUND THE LEGS
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
