I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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