How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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