My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Who died my cat blue again?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
