but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
